Sunday, June 11, 2017

Twitter Has Changed Me v.2

Twitter has changed me again. This time I am an automated person apparently. My account has been locked. Not only can I not tweet, but I now can't even read the tweets of others.

Wanted me to enter phone number to verify. I enter it. Says it will text me verification code. No text ever comes. I am now in the customer service email loop. Oh, joy. Could take days to clear this up.

No idea why Twitter has been a poor investment since its IPO, but how could I? I'm just a bot. In my defense, I think I'm a good bot. Most days I even feel human as I tweet pictures and videos of my new digital German Shepherd puppy, use my advanced artificial intelligence routines to play hashtag games, and attempt to pass off as human by using Twitter to donate to a German Shepherd in Europe that needs surgery.

Thanks Twitter. I'm certainly not the first to feel dehumanized. There's plenty of that to go around these days.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Twitter Has Changed Me

I've tweeted over 100 pictures and videos of my naked puppy without a problem but I finally crossed the line. I've been censored and am now apparently a puppy pornographer! Seriously. If you have children, avert their eyes! The following pictures may scar them for life!! ;)


Click to enlarge.


Click to enlarge.

P.S. If you are a puppy pervert and have not gotten your fill, there's no telling what I might tweet next @RiverGSD. ;)

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

The Sarcasm Report v.279

May 24, 2017
New iPhone 8 pictures mean our worst nightmare might be happening

If this new series of leaks is correct, Apple could be about to make a huge mistake. The biggest outstanding question about the iPhone 8’s design is whether it will have a Touch ID sensor on the rear, or build a fingerprint scanner into the screen itself.

I haven't experienced a worst nightmare this bad since I dreamed of spilling my Starbucks pumpkin spice latte into my Coach explorer bag in sport calf leather.

First world nightmares, baby. I got 'em bad!

Sunday, May 21, 2017

The Sarcasm Report v.278

There has never been a better time to invest in Sears!

May 21, 2017
Business Insider: Sears' CEO blames the media for company's decline — but his obsession with Wall Street set it up for failure

Sears spun off its Lands' End brand to investors in 2014 and is exploring "alternatives" that could include sales of Kenmore appliances and Craftsman tools.

If Sears can sell Craftsman tools for $900 million just 1,111 more times, then we'll be looking at the world's first department store trillion dollar company!

March 9, 2017
BREAKING: Stanley Black & Decker Acquires Craftsman Brand from Sears

Stanley Black & Decker announced today that it successfully completed its purchase of the Craftsman Brand from Sears Holdings Corporation.

Most CEOs would find it nearly impossible to sell-off a brand more than once, but Eddie Lampert has my complete confidence!

Friday, May 12, 2017

Our New Dog Just Signed Up on Twitter

Her name is River. She will be 8 weeks old tomorrow, and we'll be bringing her home. You can follow her story on Twitter @RiverGSD. It's just getting started. No politics. No religion. No economics. Just tons of pictures and a lifetime of realtime memories (hopefully)!

Real prosperity, baby. That's what I'm talking about. :)

The Sarcasm Report v.277

May 12, 2017
CNBC: JC Penney's stock hits all-time low on widening net loss, weaker sales traffic

These losses I've been experiencing in attempting to pick individual department store winners cannot continue! I've finally learned my lesson. It is time to diversify and turn this sinking ship around.

Does anyone know of a great leveraged department store index fund with a high front-end and back-end load, that also has high periodic management and 12b-1 fees? Nothing but the best for me from here on out. It takes money to make money.

It is very important that it is a great fund. I don't wish to take on too much added risk. I'll be borrowing on my credit card to fund my brokerage account, then I'll be buying that leveraged fund on margin to maximize my returns. You might even predict, if you love Liberty Mutual TV ads as much as I do, that I'll soon be driving around on more than three wheels. Smart.


Video not safe for work.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

The Sarcasm Report v.276

May 11, 2017
CNBC: Macy's shares plunge after huge earnings, sales miss; shows recovery a long way off

Nothing screams "recovery" like the long-term chart of the USA's department store employees since 2000. Yes, sir. Has recovery written all over it. Just need to be patient.

Speaking of easy recoveries, I'm looking for investors to help fund my state of the art Mexican 8-track tape factory. With your help, we're going to be cranking out all the hits of the 1970s just as nature intended, again.



¡Viva la recuperación!

Monday, May 8, 2017

I Applogize for Never Finding Any Exotic Matter

May 3, 2017
Wall Street Pit: Sci-Fi Fans Rejoice! Time Travel Might Actually Be Possible

While the research suggests that it is mathematically possible to build a time machine, it’s not yet physically feasible. As Tippet said: “While is it mathematically feasible, it is not yet possible to build a space-time machine because we need materials—which we call exotic matter—to bend space-time in these impossible ways, but they have yet to be discovered.”

I will devote the rest of my life to finding exotic matter.

I'm sorry that I was unable to find any exotic matter at any point in the distant future. If I had found any, I would have insisted on traveling back in time to change this post and congratulate myself for my amazing discovery.

There is some good news though. Since I never found any exotic matter, I now see no point in devoting the rest of my life trying to find any. This frees up more time to just kick back and relax. Woohoo! ;)

Saturday, May 6, 2017

4 Things That May Cause Magical Unicorns to Stampede Out of My Bottom

May 6, 2017
TheStreet: You Must Start Investing Now Because the Dow May Hit 100,000 By 2030

1. The blue-chip index is currently just shy of 21,000. A surge to 100,000 would represent a roughly 376% increase.

12.8% increase per year! Hello unicorns!

2. "If I'm wrong, it'll be 150,000," he said. "We're going to see incredible profits in the United States, as well as globally."

16.3% per year if he's wrong! If it's wrong to expect even more unicorns, then I don't want him to be right!

3. "You're going to live to 110 or 120."

I can actually feel the unicorns growing inside me! I sure hope the horns pass smoothly!

4. He said "retirement" won't exist in the 21st century.

Wow! I think each of the unicorns inside me may be pregnant. I better come up with a plan to put them all to work! Perhaps I can entice them to weave Dow 100k hats?

Friday, May 5, 2017

The Great Déjà Vu Pandemic of 2017

May 4, 2017
Mish: Earth Overshoot: How Sustainable is Population Growth?

For decades people have been predicting overpopulation would wipe out energy resources if not the entire planet. Every year the population bomb and peak oil crowd have been proven wrong. But how long can the status quo of generating growth by population explosion last?

Every year the population bomb and peak oil crowd have been proven wrong. But how long can the status quo of generating growth by population explosion last?


I do not know what caused the pandemic, but I can say that ABC News was patient zero.

Be careful out there. If this is as infectious as it appears, then it could happen to anyone who posts their thoughts on the Internet.

If this is as infectious as it appears, then it could happen to anyone who posts their thoughts on the Internet.

Bad Mark. Bad! Bad! :)

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Man's Best Friend

April 25, 2017
Dog doesn’t recognise owner after he lost weight – until he sniffs him

Trust us, you’ll want to watch this video of a dog overjoyed to reunite with his owner after a hospital stay.

The trust is completely warranted. :)

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Today's Redundant News Today

May 3, 2017
ABC News: Senate changes likely for Republican health care bill

For the Senate to pass a version of the Obamacare replacement bill, the two chambers would likely have to reconcile differences in what’s known as a conference committee. It’s not clear whether House Republicans who voted for their version of the bill would sign on to changes requested by senators and vice versa -- a perennial concern for any legislation that goes through conference committee

For the Senate to pass a version of the Obamacare replacement bill, opposing sides would likely have to reconcile differences in what’s known as a conference committee. It’s not clear whether House Republicans who voted for their version of the bill would sign on to changes requested by senators and vice versa -- a perennial concern for any legislation that goes through conference committee.




Proofreading jobs may soon become available at ABC News. Put another way, jobs involving proofreading may soon become available at ABC News.

Bad Mark. Bad! Bad! :)

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Discounter of the New World: Bargain of the Century!

May 1, 2017
TheStreet: There's Hope for Survival Among Retailers

Burlington (BURL) , a discount apparel retailer, may seem expensive with a price earnings ratio over 30%, but it fits squarely in the model...

P/E of 30%? Wow! Only have to pay $3 for $10 of earnings? May seem expensive? Hardly! Sign me up!!

As an investor over 0.75" tall, I have to wonder about the percentage math though. Seems too good to be true.

Dammit. The actual P/E is 33. Turns out it was just more fake news from the same people who brought us the Winners of the New World back in 2000. Sorry about that. ;)

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Even Rabbits Fly the Friendly Skies

April 26, 2017
United Airlines in new PR disaster after giant rabbit dies on UK flight

“We have been in contact with our customer and have offered assistance.”

What kind of assistance can you offer a dead bunny? It's way too late to voluntarily and forcibly re-accomodate it!

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

A Corporate Pledge of Allegiance

I pledge no allegiance to the CEO of the United Airlines of America, and to the corporation for which he stands, as one "volunteer" under duress, divisible, gets no liberty or justice at all.

April 10, 2017
Time: Searches for 'Volunteer' Definition Spiked 1900% After United Airlines Incident

In the case of Sunday evening’s United Airlines Flight 3411 from Chicago to Louisville, passengers had already boarded the plane and no one was willing to volunteer for the switch, passenger Audra Bridges told the Courier-Journal. United officials then randomly selected four passengers to switch flights to make way for four United employees who had to catch a flight in Louisville.

Perhaps United should have increased the incentive to "volunteer" until some passengers actually "volunteered" willingly?

Pretty crazy idea, I admit. But hey, in an age of cell phone video and PR nightmares, what do I know?

They say there's no such thing as bad publicity. United sure seems hellbent to test the theory lately!

Oh, and when I say hellbent, I really mean recklessly determined at all costs. Perfect word for the perfect airline.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Lies, Damn Lies, and Retirement Quizes

March 30, 2017
MarketWatch: Most Americans failed this eight-question retirement quiz

Q: About what percentage of your savings do many financial experts suggest you withdraw annually in retirement?

Why would I even care what "many" financial experts would suggest? Many financial experts suggest many things, especially when it concerns the money of others. Take Ben "There's No Housing Bubble to Go Bust" (2005) Bernanke or Ken "Housing Boom!" (2007) Fisher, for examples.

Q: Given the current average life expectancy, if you want to retire at age 65, about how long would you need your retirement savings to last?

The correct answer is 87, or 22 years after a retirement age of 65, according to Social Security Administration data.

No, the correct answer is not the life expectancy of people similar to you. You need your money to last until you actually do die. 87 would have been horrible advice to my mom, who died at age 93 this year, and to both of her brothers who lived into their 90s. Don't even get me started on my aunt currently rooting for Gonzaga at the age of 94!

I know that there are 6 other questions to heckle, but I must stop at 25%. My time is still worth something to me. Using advanced statistical algorithms based on mood, available sunshine, expected life expectancy, and current video game addictions, I currently estimate it to be exactly $6.77 per hour. I know it is below the federal minimum wage, but it's a fact. Trust me.

P.S. Eddie Lampert, if you are reading this then please don't build up your hopes that I will be shopping at Sears just because my free time is only currently worth $6.77. I still consider it to be worth far more than temporary shopping experiences at any mall. It doesn't help your cause that I recently bought a video game on my phone for just 99 cents, and have experienced nearly 100 hours of enjoyment from it so far. A penny an hour? See? My free time is practically priceless by comparison! ;)

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

The Sarcasm Report v.275

March 21, 2017
MarketWatch: Remote workers are NOT watching daytime TV in their pajamas

It may sound counter-intuitive, but employees are apt to work more efficiently and collaboratively when operating remotely, a new study released Tuesday by video and voice collaboration technology company Polycom, Inc. and Human Resources executive network and research firm Future Workplace found.

If you can't trust a study released by a video and voice collaboration technology company to tell you the true merits of video and voice collaboration technology, then who can you trust?

We now know that there aren't any remote workers watching daytime TV in their pajamas. That's certainly a relief. Or is it?

June 16, 2016
HUFFPOST: Does It Really Help To Picture Your Audience Naked?

Thursday, March 16, 2017

My Personal Cynicism Level Trending Higher

First, allow me to offer a free interview tip.

When trying to land that perfect police job, try not to confess to any serious crimes. Always keep in mind that you have the right to remain silent.

March 14, 2017
Man confesses to date rape during police job interview, lands in jail instead

A West Virginia man mistakenly confessed to a date rape while interviewing for a probation officer job in South Charleston and is now facing sexual assault charges.

They say that we can become more cynical as we age. Now we know why. A younger, more naive version of me, might have expected this man to help pay for my Social Security. The older, wiser version of me, realizes that I may need to help pay for his incarceration.

P.S. Don't even get me started on Trumpcare.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Sears Soars 30%!

Sears has breached the psychologically important $7 barrier again to levels not seen since late January. For those keeping track at home, it's almost back to where it was exactly two weeks ago! Almost.

This is great news for long-term investors who never gave up on the turnaround story. Much like an 18-wheeler which accidentally drives down a very long and very narrow dead end alley but miraculously manages to back up a few feet without taking damage, here it is! Woohoo!

Yes, sir. I never thought I'd say it. This turnaround story may have L'eggs. Next stop? Levels not seen since 1978? Keep the faith!

Monday, February 6, 2017

The Super Bowl's Black Swan

February 3, 2017
Wells Fargo Quants Tell You How to Bet on the Super Bowl

Wells Fargo Asset Management’s Analytic Investors LLC, the Wall Street quant shop that has accurately predicted 10 of the last 13 Super Bowls against the point spread, says take the Atlanta Falcons and the three points over Tom Brady, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots.

So what went wrong? 25-sigma event just after Lady Gaga's halftime performance? Nobody could have ever seen it coming! Again.

And here's the best part. I have no assets with Wells Fargo Asset Management. Woohoo! ;)

Saturday, February 4, 2017

The Sarcasm Report v.274

February 4, 2017
CNBC: A couple who spent $30,000 eating out last year highlights a critical money lesson

The life lesson is obvious. If you are spending $80+ per day to eat out then it is very easy to forget exactly how much you are spending. Make it an even $100 though, and you'll never forget. Neither will your waiter! Round up, I say. Round up! It's a win-win for everyone!

"What most people do when they earn a dollar is pay everyone else first. They pay the landlord, the credit card company, the telephone company, the government ..." writes financial adviser David Bach in "The Automatic Millionaire," and at the end of the day, they pay themselves whatever is left over. Oftentimes, that's not much.

Pay yourself first. If there is anything left over then send a few dollars to the landlord, the credit card company, the telephone company, and/or the government. It's a vastly superior plan. None of those entities need the money as much as you do. What's the worst that could happen? Eviction notices? Penalties? Collections? Liens? Lawsuits? Summons? Oh, please. That only happens in the movies!

Monday, January 30, 2017

Blood Bath & Beyond

Bed Bath & Beyond?

No, we're talking Sears again. Down another 12% today as I type this. Needless to say, it's a fresh 52-week low.

It isn't all bad news. I think I actually found the secret video of Eddie Lampert's turnaround story.



Granted, there isn't nearly as much turning as one might expect.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Sears Sheared Yet Again

Down about 10% today. Hit a fresh 52-week low.

If I didn't know better, and I felt that department stores weren't a good investment in this modern age, and I didn't have complete faith in Eddie Lampert, and I wasn't totally optimistic about the future, and I wasn't being sarcastic, then I'd start to suspect that there might be a long-term pattern forming here.

Good thing that I'm none of those things! D'oh!

Pillars of retail department store strength, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Again.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Stolen Tools Epidemic?

January 6, 2017
Deputy: Man stole work tools, then accidentally called boss

FAIRMONT, W.Va - Authorities say a man stole tools from his workplace at an auto repair shop and then accidentally called his boss as he tried to sell them.

Small world. Stanley Black & Decker may have just "stolen" tools from Sears and may someday try to sell them back.

January 5, 2017
Sears closing 150 stores, selling Craftsman in attempt to survive

The ailing retailer said Thursday that it had reached a deal to sell the tools brand to Stanley Black & Decker for a net present value of about $900 million, including future royalty payments.

For lovers of snark (and you know who you are), 2017 is getting off to a great start. Woohoo! ;)

Special thanks to a reader of this blog for pointing out the Sears news to me. Sears snark opportunities only come around every few weeks or so. Nearly missed one!

Sunday, January 1, 2017

The Sarcasm Report v.273

Bloomberg: At $207,000, the Aston Martin Rapide S Is Not a Good Deal

Those making the federal minimum wage already know this, of course. Working 14+ years to buy the car ($7.25 per hour, 40 hour workweeks, 50 weeks per year) definitely isn't a good deal without an extended-term loan, 0% financing, and reduced-price underbody rust protection.